Rumplestiltstails
by Dawn of Daybreak
Summary: No longer a oneshot! Depicts the 4th Hokage before he was cool, how he became cool, and the aftermath of him becoming cool. Naruto X Kyuubivixen Implied. Wink, wink Chapter 2 is here! Read and Review!
1. OMG! Rumplestiltstails!

Title: Rumplestilts-tails

Author: Ignorant One

Rating: M: Mild Curse, some sexual references.

Words: 900-ish

Summary: The Fourth Hokage meets Kyuubi for the first time… XD

Disclaimer: Me no own Naruto, but if I did...

"**All right mortal, I will listen to your wish, but first, we will play a game."**

"Oh! A game!? I'm all for it!" a then Jounin Kazama Arashi cried.

"**Very well, this is a game of cunning, patience, and most of all, intense observational skills. We will play…"** The future Hokage audibly gulped, much to the disembodied voices delight, **"Hide-and-Go-Seek." **

Future Yondy face faulted, he thought he was going to be doing battle with some creepy skeleton nin, or seeing how long he could hold his breath in a pool full of salt water crocodiles, or hell, even seeing how many Godless Furbies he could destroy with a single Katon technique. Yanno? MANLY SHIT!

It wasn't the fact that a great ninja such as himself had been reduced to childs play, it was because he was _so_ out of practice! Kazama Arashi had given up on Hide-and-Go-Seek before he turned eight years old for the very reason that he was absolutely _horrendous_ at hiding! His loud hair and ridiculous fashion sense ratted him out every time. This was not good.

"**What 'sa matter mortal? Getting cold feet?"** The unknown voice laughed harshly.

Broken from his pity moment, the blond took to his feet and proudly proclaimed: "HELL YES I AM! But I've never backed down from a challenge before, so why start now!?"

If the voice had some eyebrows, they would have arched. **"Fine. Here are the rules. I am hiding somewhere in this large underground complex, if you can find me, I will grant you a wish. I give you one hour."**

"**Tee-hee, that silly blond will never find me,"** Kyuubi giggled to herself. When hiding in her secret place, no one has ever found her before. The nine tails was impossible to be found-and she felt a soft pressure on her outermost tail.

"Found you!" the blond Jounin enthusiastically shouted.

This was absolutely mortifying! _No one_ had _ever_ looked behind the curtain before!

"**How…did you?"**

"Your tail was sticking out….."

A lloooonnnngggg silence passed before either of them spoke.

"**Cheater. Since you don't know how to play fair, we are going to play another game,"**

"But I didn't cheat…"

"**I said silence! Now, new game, new rules."**

The future Yondamie Hokage scowled, him? Accused of cheating? Now he really wished that event was to destroy as many furbies with a single fire technique… The kitsune noticed that the human was spacing out, so she thwaped him upside the head with her tail, **"Pay attention, 'cause I'm only going to say this once. Your task is to guess my name. I give you five minutes to guess, then its game over."**

"Cindy!?"

The fox was taken aback by the sudden outburst. ** "What? No…my name is not Cindy…"**

"Candy?" **"No."** "Jordy?" **"No."** "Mindy?" **"No."** "Stewart?" **"No."** "Andy?" **"No."** This went on for three more minutes before it finally came to him.

"Oh God! Why didn't I make the connections before!? The games…and the…and the names! I _knew_ I heard of something like this in a fairy tale before! You must be…no…you couldn't be…"

Kyuubi loomed over the human, her body tense as a bowstring; she was eager to hear the blond's answer. "Are you…RUMPLESTILTSTAILS!?"

In an instant, all of the tension left the kitsune's body…and she crumpled to stone floor in a heap and began to froth uncontrollably at the muzzle. "What? Really? I was sure that one was going to work," the future Yondy tapped his chin thoughtfully, "well, the only name I haven't tried is…Kyuubi."

The frothing slowly stopped, and the extremely large fox sat up on its haunches, nine tails curling around her forepaws demurely in a desperate attempt to regain her composure. **"Congratulations, you now know my name. However, I am NOT 'Rumplestiltstails'! There is a crotchety old coot named **_**'Rumplestiltskin'**_**, but he is just a fairytale creature, and therefore only exists in the minds of children. Now, out with your wish."**

A cheery grin spread across the blonds face. "Okay, this is kind of a multi-part wish, so bear with me."

The kitsune arched a furred brow, but nodded for him to continue. A geeky giggle escaped his lips, "OK, I wish that I could be all totally serious like, 'cause chicks dig the serious types." **"Hmm…remove the stupid from your brain? It would be a pleasure."**

"I also wish that I knew one thousands techniques and how to effectively use them in combat and in everyday situations. And for the last part, I wish I had the strength to be Hokage, so I could protect my village and woo any woman that strikes my fancy."

"**If it gets your annoying ass out of my fur, then done!"**

"**-and that's how I met your father, kit," **a naked Kyuubi spoke before taking a long drag from the cigarette and passing it to an equally naked Naruto, who accepted it and took his own puff.

"Fascinating, now can we please go to sleep? I've got a mission in six hours and…"

"**Hmph. You males are all the same, a little bit of sex and all you want to do is sleep. What ever happened to good ol' days when guys used to pillow talk? "**

Naruto nuzzled the soft flesh of her neck before kissing his way up to one of the soft and fuzzy ears nestled on her cranium. After nibbling on the furry tip he responded huskily, "Listen, if I promise to eat you out tomorrow night, will you get off my case?"

"**Oh? You'll eat me?"**

A smile, "Like a starved lion, now go to sleep."

Soon, all was silent.

Ahhh…the way to a woman's heart starts off with a few kind words and so very good head.

A/N: There we have it! A brand new fic by me, IO. Albeit crack and some poorly written hilarity, but it was fun for me. Please review for the sake of my self-esteem! XD


	2. Meeting Again for the First Time for the

Title: Meeting Again for the First Time for the Last Time!

Author: Ignorant One

Rating: T for language.

Word Count: 899

Summary: A short ficlet depicting the starting battle between the Kyuubi and the 4th Hokage. Sequel to 'Rumplestiltstails'!

The trees were upturned, dozens of the best shinobi in Konoha litter the battlefield; either deceased or dying. The earth was in upheaval every time one of the demon fox's tails made contact with the ground, sending shockwaves in all directions; even the elite ANBU had a hard time keeping balance as the ground shook beneath them.

"Hold off 'till Hokage-sama arrives!" A shinobi bellowed, and with that multiple ninja leapt from the earth, performing the most advanced jutsu they knew; some even resorted to flinging kunai and shurikin as hard as they could. The metal weaponry rebounded off of the creature's fur, and the jutsus were simply shrugged off or ignored.

Although one shinobi made a little headway, he produced a glass vial from one of the many pockets lining his vest, and threw it as hard and as accurately as possible. The vial struck its mark and shattered all over the nine-tails nose; the glass itself was ignored, but the chemical it contained reacted almost instantly. The Kyuubi reared back once it inhaled the toxic substance; tails lashing too-and-fro as it furiously pawed at its muzzle. After a few seconds the entire field quieted, the shinobi waiting to see if the poison had any effect.

The demon's eyes watered and it drew its head back, and after a mighty roar…it sneezed. White-hot fire and evaporated particles of the toxic mixture blanketed a quarter mile of forest. Incidentally, the shinobi who threw it as well as eight of his buddies were instantly vaporized by nasal flatulence the erupted from the Kyuubi…ew. As far as the battle was concerned, things weren't going to well for the shinobi; the four hundred plus shinobi that had once occupied the forest were now reduced to an estimated one hundred and eighty plus.

Just as all hope seemed lost in the one sided battle, large tremors shook the earth for miles as the large silhouette of Gamabunta sped towards the fox; the Hokage mounted on his head and nodachi drawn. The frog boss made a thrust with the blade, but the fox swiftly side-stepped and latched onto the folded steel with its powerful muzzle. The Kyuubi held onto the blade as Gamabunta wrestled with the nine tails to remove it from its powerful grasp.

It was a stalemate, neither side willing to give ground; and the large creatures leaned into one another their faces nearly touching. While the frog was focused on watching the fox's tails, the Demon had its eye focused on the blond perched atop Gamabunta's head. The Yondaime Hokage hands were a flurry of motion; speeding through dozens of hand seals a second. Once the blonde Hokage finished the last few seals in the sequence he paused.

The fox arched a furred brow, it's eyes focused on the blonde's face, which was covered with his bangs. In a quick movement, he raised his head, revealing the tough and serious expression that adorned his face. So the work she did on his mind years ago really _did_ have an affect on his attitude after all. The fox mentally patted herself on the back for doing a great job with that hopeless shinobi. Despite the sharp blade that filled her muzzle, she smiled.

The Yellow Flash finally spoke up. "So it seems we meet again for the first time for the last time, Rumplestiltstails!"

The smile faded as the words registered in her mind. _**What the hell did he just say? 'We meet again for the first time for the last time? W…T…F?**_

Those were her last thoughts before she was sucked into a blinding vortex and then shoved into an incredibly cramped space; cursing Kazama Arashi with her last breath.

Scene Break

"**Yup, and that's how it happened."** The nine tails said after taking a drag, handing her blonde lover the cigarette. Naruto wearily eyed the death-stick as he placed it between his fingers.

"Wow, 'we meet again for the first time for the last time'? Geeze, who would've have thought that dad could be so _corny_ and un-understandable!? The fourth Hokage, creator of horrible catch phrases…and my father…my gene pool seems to be lacking in intelligence." He took his own drag and blew a smoke ring that dissipated with distance.

"**Hey, what he lacked in brains he more than made up for in brute strength and massive chakra capacity. Intelligence can be gained, while chakra reserves can only be improved on marginally. So count yourself lucky, my brains, my chakra paired with your brawn…we make a perfect team. In,"** the fox leaned down kissed the blonde nin's chest, scraping her teeth southward. **"and out of the bedroom. Now, what about that cunnlingus you promised me?"**

With a sigh and a smile, Naruto lowered himself down off the bed, kneeling between the Kyuubi's thighs and set to work; trying his damndest to get the oral worship over with so he could sleep. Seriously, demon foxes and their libidos!

A/N: There we have it! The sequel to 'Rumplestiltstails'! Tell me what you think of it. I am taking requests, so please send them to me and I will write them if I have the time.

Ignorant One


End file.
